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Kerry Gordon Ph.D., Clinical Member OSP Profile · · Subdomain Midlife Crisis Midlife is the old age of youth and the youth of old age. Proverb By all accounts, sometime between the age of 35 and 55 most of us will undergo a midlife crisis - probably more than one. As ominous as that may sound the truth is that midlife crisis may actually be a valuable gift. By the sheer force of its intensity and unpredictability midlife crisis calls on us to reevaluate who we are and expand the possibilities of who we can be. By initiating transformational change midlife crisis acts as a primary agent in our life's evolutionary unfolding. Psychologist Carl Jung first identified midlife as a critical transition period when the callous, self-importance of youth is relinquished for the mantle of adult responsibility. It is a turning point when the question "What do I want from my life?" gradually deepens and transforms into "What does my life want from me?" The anxiety of midlife crisis comes with the realization that as we pass the half-way point in our lives, we still really don't know who we are, what we're doing, or why. With all its uncertainty midlife is potentially the most creative time in our lives. Still we can't escape the fact that if we want to live a healthy, balanced life then we must be prepared to accept those crises that challenge us to reshape our lives in new and unexpected ways. And that's the hard part, because one of the most debilitating qualities about being human is our deep-seated resistance to change. Quite often, even though we may be experiencing dissatisfaction and frustration with our relationships, our jobs, or the general state of our lives, there is still a tendency to cling tenaciously to what is familiar rather than risk letting go and stepping into the unknown. That's why midlife crisis is so important, because the acute discomfort it causes necessarily shakes us out of our complacency. Crisis is the teacher that gets right in our face and says "You may think you're in control, you may think you know what's what, but you've only been sleepwalking and now its time to wake up!" Midlife crisis reminds us that living a fulfilling, meaningful life isn't convenient. My own midlife crisis came when I was around 35 (right on schedule!). My life just seemed to stop working. It was as though everything that mattered to me was slipping away and nothing I did made a difference. Filled with panic and foreboding I fell into a depression. I blamed myself, I blamed the world; it made no difference what I did things just seemed to get worse. And then, suddenly my father died and the bottom completely fell out. It was at that point that I sought the help of a psychotherapist who encouraged me to surrender to the hopelessness I was feeling, to be still with my despair and just listen. With his guidance I began to focus on who I was rather than who I felt I ought to be and slowly my life began to reconfigure and re-establish itself. In retrospect it's easy to see that it wasn't until I gave up hope and quit trying to regain control that a fundamental shift occurred in my life. Because from that moment on the panic began to subside and, like magic, new possibilities opened up for me. Midlife crisis pulled the rug out from under me. And while my initial reaction was to assume that I was somehow at fault, that I was being punished for something that was inherently wrong with me, what I slowly began to realize was that rather than a mistake, this frustrating impasse was an expression of a deeper awareness that was speaking directly to me, awakening me to life possibilities that I had never before even considered. Once I allowed that this crisis was not some cosmic conspiracy, I began to realize that my growing edge might have something to do with being still and listening to my dis-ease rather than taking action to make it go away. And once I began to listen I recognized that there really was nothing wrong with me, only that I wasn't in control. And maybe that isn't such a bad thing because, as I discovered, when I let go of control wonderful things start to happen. Getting Help A common response to the onset of midlife crisis is the feeling that, despite being at our most vulnerable, we should somehow already know how to handle it. I suppose that's because we tend to associate needing help with some failure in ourselves. But really the opposite is true. Toughing it out alone may be macho but it's not very productive. Beginning to work with a sympathetic psychotherapist was a turning point in my life. And what I discovered may also be true for you; that reaching out for the help we need may be the most important step we can take in transforming midlife crisis into a meaningful experience of growth and healing. If you have questions about this article or would like to read more please feel free to contact me. The psychotherapists appearing on this site are independent. They are not employed nor controlled by therapytoronto.ca. therapytoronto.ca is acting solely as a listing service for the convenience of those seeking the services of psychotherapists.